“Cane-Toad – What happened to Baz?”

Scene: “Daz” the cane-toad is soaking in a dog’s water dish, drinking a beer.

(Sound of flatulence, bubles rise to surface)

“Oops, excuse me” (Daz waves hand to clear the air)

“Oh, g’day, how ya going? Uh, my name’s Daz, but me mates call me ‘Dazza’.”

“I’m just here to talk about me little mate Baz, actually, ‘cause… pickle me grandmother, the silly old buggar’s gone bloody missing…”

(Snapshots of Baz)

(Title – “Cane-toad. What happened to Baz?”)

(Daz continues his disourse…)

“Yeah, look, Baz just vanished, like a fart in a fan factory, you know? And I’m a little pissed off about it actually, uh, seeing the bludger still owed me a six-pack.”

“But yeah… no one knows what happened to the little bastard, ah… (Daz gives a quick, ever-so-naughty wink) but I’ve got a few ideas…”

“You see, Baz used to love his sport. Now while I’m happy to blow the froth off a few coldies¹ and watch it on the telly, Baz fancied himself as a bit of an athlete (Daz chuckles).”

“If your gonna be playing full-contact sport², you got to be able to take it. Maybe Baz just wasn’t up to it…”

(Baz is dispatched, in a screaming ballistic arc, by what looks to be a 3-iron)

“Ah, and then there’s Baz’s sense of direction. Jeeze. It was pretty bloody useless. I’ll betcha 50 bucks Baz is headed straight past the black stump into ‘Toad-poppers Run’.”

“All toads should know that’s dangerous territory, right? Most people do know that, but Baz… well, I don’t know… If that’s where he’s ended up, he’d better like pancakes!”

(Baz is dispatched by an 18-wheeler)

“Jeeze, that’s a bad way to go.”

“Of course, there is one other thing we toads come across around these parts. A real mean bastard. Built like a brick shithouse, with teeth that could rip a bloke inside out, you know?”

“They call him “Victa” ³. (Shot of Baz, mouthing an obscenity)

“Look… if Baz wasn’t careful, big Victa would be all over him, like flies on shit. He’d only have the time it takes to shotgun a tinnie⁴, before his ass was grass.”

(Baz is dispatched by a Victa brand lawn mower)

“Oh, Baz…”

“But then, folks round here they reckon I don’t know one end of a dog’s bowl from another, and they could be right.”

“Anything could of happened to Baz. I know that, I’m not stupid. But, ah… but Baz, if you are out there somewhere, come back mate, eh?”

(Baz is dressed in a pink ballet tutu and mounted as a souvenir in an Aussie Souvenir store)

(FIN)

____________________________

Footnotes:

¹Fosters (the Australian beer)

²Baz is shown wearing a rugby outfit (the Australian full-contact sport)

³The Victa Lawnmower Company (the Australian lawn mower manufacturer)

⁴Daz is pointing to his bottle of beer, but “shotgunning a tinnie” refers to poking a hole in the bottom of an aluminum can of beer holding it over your mouth (in upright position), then opening the pop-top and allowing the liquid to discharge immediately down your throat. Probably takes all of about 3 seconds to empty, for those who practice. (Note that some Fosters cans might actually be tinned steel and not aluminum),